Today I woke up and had a weird dream.  Ha, actually it wasn't really weird.  It was realistic in a way.  I felt I had to write about it.  Maybe to remind myself of the mistake I did or of how my twisted personality screwed evythg up for me.

In this dream that person was there.  A person who I hurt and who hurt me.  I wonder if u'll read this. I kind of hope u do, but then again u probably wouldn't care.  who knows..... maybe I should move on.

But you see, the thing is, I can't move on.  Not when everyday I regret ruining what little friendship we had.  It's funny cuz I would tell everyone how much I hate you but in reality there was no hate.  The time I cried out of frustration, I think I may have hated myself more for letting myself cry and  hated you less for being the one to frustrate me so.  That time it was our fault evythg went downhill. Don't say I did it all, because in the end you pushed me to the point that I slammed my hands against the doorway and from there evythg changed.  Because you forgot that my family cared for me and that they would not let my tears go away without punishing the one who caused them.  Although I tried to stop them,  they are stubborn just like you and me. 

You know, I tried to tell you that I was sorry but you closed the door. haha do you remember how you ignored me? do you remember how i walked away in frustration?  Maybe now you probably don't care or don't remember.  Hell, I could be the only one to remember this stupid fight.  Although I always showed an uncaring facade like nothing and no one mattered to me, the truth is that I did care and everythg did matter.  I liked to believe that I didn't care about getting hurt and I still like to believe, but the truth is that I do care.   Putting up such a facade is the only way for me to stay strong.  some may say it's weak but It's the only barrier I have in order to move on.   I care so much.  That's why I can't forget losing you as a potential friend. 

You know we would always insult each other, but then there were those few times we talked.  We would talk about the future.  There were also those few times we would protect each other.  Ya know, like team up and tease another buddy of mines or yours.  Even though we teased each other, that's how it was between us, but you know I wonder if sometimes u wanted somethg else. 

Because I was a child thinking she knew it all and because I was stubborn (and still am), the times you showed some sort of kindness were times I felt I couldn't let myself fall into your traps. haha, yeah I thought they were traps in our twisted relationship.  I thought that any minute if I accepted your kindness then I would lose to you.  I would not allow it.  But when I look back, I realize that it was childish.  I should have just accepted ur kindness.  Haha I was stubborn.

You know in this dream, I dreamt that I saw ur siblings.  i saw ur brother and a sister (did u have a sister? this could have been wrong in my dream, but then again I think i remember a sis.).  They were the first ones to talk to me.  Actually it was ur sis who talked to me first.  Your brother didn't say much until I asked for a favor.  when I looked at the doorway I saw u look me in the eyes and then walk away. haha u stayed in the hallway for a long time until I finshed talking to ur siblings.  You know the favor I asked them was to tell u that I'm sorry for everythg.  After a while i left and passed right by you, like I always did after our small fight.  I didn't look back because I'm stubborn like that.  In the dream when I turned the corner of the hallway, I cried. I broke down and cried for a while.  But I only let a few tears escape because I could not spare anymore for you.  and then I continued to walk away

That was the realistic dream.  You know I wonder if I see you again, would it be somethg like that.  I hope not. Actually would u acknowledge me?  You know I did see you that day at the J-festival.  Did you see me?  I looked back but only three times. hehe yeah I knew it was u the first time I saw u.  I just had to make sure.  You were different.  Did I look different to you?  Did u even notice?  haha cuz I noticed. and all I did was walk away.  I mean if I had approached u, would u have said anythg? maybe if I didn't have my sister by me and if you didn't have ur friends by you, I would have approached you.  You know that was the second time I saw you after what two years of not seeing you.

The first time was near Christmas time.  I went outside to hear the mariachi playing around the apartment complex.  I took pictures and I saw you.  I looked you in the eye and I think I was shocked.  But as quickly as you walked the other way, I escaped home.  haha a "long time no see" would have been nice, but I guess we're beyond that, huh?  do hate me?  are u still angry with me?  cuz every single time I remember, I regret evythg.  I regret it all.  Cuz I can't be angry, I can't hate you.  No matter how much easier it is to say that I hate you, it's impossible because I would be lying again.

All I can say now is that I hope one day I will see you again.  And that I'll tell you "Yos" and you'll say "It's been a long time" and both of us would be smiling.  both of us would allow our childish fight disappear. and we will drink and reminisce about our time lost.  Maybe someday we can be friends for sure.  till then, I won't forget you, because you'll always have a place in my cold heart.

so I finally decided to post something up just so my lj wouldn't look so bare and lonely.  Mou eventually if I really feel like it, I will make my journal much much more interesting or better, but hey that could probably be never.  Anyways yeah....

ja with da ne ^_~